I Have Never Been So Afraid Of Posting...

Words are my enemies. Every time I open my mouth to voice my good for nothing opinion before the words have even left my tongue they have offended someone. More often than not someone I truly care about. I am sick of apologizing for thinking. I don't want to imagine the amount of hate I am going to receive for that statement. But I've dug myself a hole that has caved in on me, so who gives a fuck? I give up. I can't do this anymore. Someone please cut out my tongue, cut off my fingers. Maybe then no one will experience pain from my wrong doing. I wish I was still the little girl who was scared to be herself. As only my fears have been confirmed. I want to give up thinking, thinking hurts. I can't though, that would be giving up me.

What A Day

I am sorry. My blog has been neglected majorly. And I do not have an excuse either. Just enjoying the holidays. Today I spent the majority of tha day with Jesse. And before you ask, no nothing happened. Surprisingly I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just nice to know that he actually wants to get to know me entirely. That is a first for me.

To prevent myself from going all 'mushy' I shall change the subject.
I haven't been expressing my opinions much lately, so here goes. Storme, I'm all for change but it can only have an effect to a certain extent. No change in appearance, no name change is going to fundamentally change how you think, how you act, how you react, what you say, what you believe is important in life and what is not. In other words what makes you who you are. I know you are not happy with who you are. Are you sure this is the way to deal with that? If you are, well that is your decision and you have every right to do so. I admit that I may be wrong, however may I have the right to question. Keep in mind I am open to anything that helps.

Survive

We have done it guys. We have survived our first year of high school. And that is an achievement in itself. I am so glad I have met all of you, true friends that I believe and hopefully will last. Friends that hopefully in ten, twenty, thirty years time will still somehow be apart of my life. Fuck, this has probably been the hardest year of my life thus far. Yet I remember how I thought, acted and felt last year around this time and I'm so very different. Some admittedly bad others good. I have learnt many lessons and skills and am slowly developing opinions, values and myself. That is all I can really say.

To Vent

I will give you a heads up. I am in a very strange mood at this post will probably reflect that.
So where should I start?

Dear friend
I am a rather think skinned individual, I have learnt to ignore others and their vile comments. However, when a friend yells in your face that you are a retard over a mere $2, do you really think I am going to forget that? That it didn't hurt? That I am not going to take it to heart? I of all people realise that you may of not meant it. That you may not of wanted to hurt me. I have made the same mistake, many times. I just thought that you should know. Believe it or not I am incredibly sensitive, and it makes me think that that is how little you value my feelings. Friend, don't think I hate you, I love you I just loathe what you did. I'm not one of those girls who talks about people behind their backs, rather tackle things head on. So this is what I'm trying to do.

Today I also realised I am always in the shadows, and in the unlikely chance I am not it is always for the wrong reason. I do not like attention nor do I crave it but that does not mean I do not want recognition. Today we had to nominate who we thought was the most supportive in our class, another friend of mine was having trouble thinking of anyone. Admittedly selfishly that hurt. I kept thinking of all those nights I stayed up txting her trying to help combat her depression. All those worried thoughts about her well being. All those tears. But no, I'm just expected to do that. Just saying this is big headed and awful of me. But I am only human, one of those truly vile creatures. I can't believe I just typed that. Me, forever positive, forever hopeful me.

I shock even myself.


Please keep in mind this is me at my worse.

To Smile

I haven't been able to stop smiling. It is silly to think that anyone let alone any guy should have this affect on me. Who am I to complain? However from being single for so long I realize you do not wish to hear about this. Jealousy is an awful emotion. What I'm really trying to say is have hope. Do your absolute best to not let your doubts get better of you. Listen to me spiel on. Pathetic really.

Yesterday my friends and I walked in on I would say if she was to let me a good friend of mine crying. She told me how she feels so excluded in terms of how she acts and feels around us. Inferior as she doesn't feel "teenagery". I would never describe myself as a confident person, I've just slowly learnt how to not exactly not care what others think but to not let their opinions influence how I feel about myself. Of course there are exceptions, as there is in everything but it is probably the most useful and hardest lesson I have ever learnt. I am incredibly insecure so believe me when I say it can be done. All you need is determination, hope and a friend to continue to help you in any possible way. So dear friend if you give me the permission to be that person, I would gladly. Remember I will be there, and this goes to anyone of my friends also.
That is all.

Friends

I have the most amazing friends, I really do love you guys. You always have my best interests at heart. I wouldn't know what to do with out you. I think I could call anyone of you at four in the morning and you would stay up to talk. (I promise I wouldn't unless it was a real emergency). So I dedicate this post to you. You really deserve this gratitude. Thank you for sticking by me when I have my bitchy moments, no matter how much you wish to slap me. Thank you for dealing with my bluntness, and for realizing in most cases I do mean well. Thank you for not letting me push you away, I often feel as if I don't deserve you guys.

I do not believe it is possible to place into words how loved I feel by you guys. You should know how much you mean to me.

That is all.


And yet again so much more.




:)

I Relate...

I found this poem today. I'm sure the majority of the readers know the line "Laugh; and the world laughs with you, Weep; and you weep alone." This poem is by the same poet. I recommend looking her up. It will speak to a deep part of your soul, at least it did to mine.

What shall we do?
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Here now forevermore our lives must part.
        My path leads there, and yours another way.
What shall we do with this fond love, dear heart?
        It grows a heavier burden day by day.

Hide it? In all earth's caverns, void and vast,
        There is not room enough to hide it, dear;
Not even the mighty storehouse of the past
        Could cover it from our own eyes, I fear.

Drown it? Why, were the contents of each ocean
        Merged into one great sea, too shallow then
Would be its waters to sink this emotion
        So deep it could not rise to life again.

Burn it? In all the furnace flames below,
        It would not in a thousand years expire.
Nay! it would thrive, exult, expand, and grow,
        For from its very birth it fed on fire.

Starve it? Yes, yes, that is the only way.
        Give it no food, of glance, or word, or sigh;
No memories, even, of any bygone day;
        No crumbs of vain regrets—so let it die.

Expectations

Expectation is placed upon me. The expectation to always make the right decision. The expectation to always be there for those who mean most to me. The expectation to always do well in academics. The expectation to be me. How can you be you if you don't even truly know who you are? I have so many personalities, around different people, in different situations. It frustrates and confuses my entire being. I am the bitch, I am the saint. I am dirty, I am innocent. I am the domestic goddess, I am the rugby mad fan. I am outgoing, I am incredibly shy. I am the unfeeling robot, I am the girl who cries. I am brutally honest, I am a liar.
I am made up of contradictions.
Please someone tell me who I am.




(And don't just say my name.)
    

To Write Or Not To Write

That is not the question. The question is what should I write.

"She attempts to relax on her sister's bed, and feels each individual drop of water hit the glass pane. The window is cold on her forehead, and order is disintegrated inside her confused mind. Thoughts swirl and range from deathly rational to dream worthy insanity. A complex collection of feelings, if only the rain could wash her emotions away like it does the dust. Yet with such sorrow and self-pity, a secret smile still manages to slip from her cheeks, and so her heart sinks still deeper. Sigh, her breath temporarily sand blasts the glass, her view slowly sharpens. If only her heart would."

Me. For today.

It's been a while

I have Internet, I have Internet, I have Internet, man I am so happy. (I bet you sang that :p). Well the past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I've realized how truly tortuous it is to fallen for someone. Look just admitted it. Me, the unfeeling bitch has fallen, hard! I can't say who, not won't, can't. I apologize for failing to satisfy anyone's curiosity but it's a decision I must make. Fuzz I completely relate to how you are feeling.

Today Katie, George and I had a vicar of dibley Marathon. George was flirting hard out with me. It was very awkward as George and I have been mates for years but I possess no feelings for him whatsoever. I do hope he moves on.

I would like to end this post with a quote of my own design.

"How can your heart fly to the heavens yet sink to the depths on only the basis of a few meaningless words?"

I live in hope that my heart survives another day.

Heads up.

Unfortunately my internet has jumped off a cliff so new posts are going to be few and far between. I'm currently using a friends to update, so you will not be hearing much.

A few nights ago, while I was attempting to fall asleep I learnt a few lessons, some lessons I would rather I hadn't.

1. I realize what I wanted to say when I wrote my poem.
2. Crying yourself to sleep is strangely comforting.
3. Music is the most reliable thing in the world.
4. I'm scared.
5. My heart is the dictator and can never be overthrown.

That night for some apparent reason everything just crashed down on me. All aspects of my life, from my home, to my love life (or lack thereof.) No I'm not complaining about that but I've realised that I have no control whatsoever over my heart. Sometimes I think I worry to much, but my instant reaction is how is that possible. Well I better not take to long, she's just set up a blog herself and I thought I may as well get it out there. Check out http://beatsforbrains.blogspot.com.

Heartbreaking

Today I watched half of the Rabbit Proof Fence. To sum up what it is about, it is the true story of an aborigine girl called Molly. Her, her sister Daisy and cousin Gracie are taken from their mothers to be 'intergarated and advanced to white status'. It is set in the 1930's, but this crime continued to around 1970. And the awful thing is the philosophy continues today, that aboriginal parents are 'hopeless' but their kids can be saved. The story is heartbreaking and it's hard to comprehend the morally wrongs acts people individually and society can enforce upon people. In the government of Australia's defence they truly did believe that they were doing the right thing but how they went about it brought tears to my eyes.

Well that's my little spiel for today...

Writing

Sometimes I am struck by the power of words. I've entered a writing competition and today I've written a poem that I'm incredibly proud of. I would post it but you can never be too careful, and I am very protective of my writing. Sorry dear readers.

I actually love writing, I don't know what I would do without words. Some say I have talent but I'm apprehensive, maybe it's modesty talking but I don't believe I will ever think I am great at writing.

It is probably silly to try to explain what I feel when I get on a roll and I say exactly what I want to say. But it is amazing. The creativity pulsing throughout your body.

Well I better get back to it :)

Breathe

Readers have you ever physically not been able to breathe, had your breath physically knocked out of you due to a dreadfully honest secret? I did a few nights ago at about 10. I can not even begin to describe how awful it was. Tears escaping down my checks. When she reads this she'll probably think I'm making a bigger deal of this than necessary, and that is probably true logically. But I've never been a logical person.

Why?
That is the most awful question. As it gives you the opportunity to explain, sometimes without the answers. How can you do that and be correct? Simple, you can't. However sometimes you sound truly ignorant saying 'I don't know why?'

Yet sometimes ignorance is truth.

Revisiting

I was looking back over my previous posts. My first thought, when did I become so bloody depressing? I suppose the reason I created this blog for everything I feel but it's entirely negative. It is scaring me. I am an optimist, I hold on to hope way past logic. But this means that I get let down so much more. My friend Laura asks some important questions about the ability to be happy. Although they remain unanswered. If I could answer them I would. Maybe time will tell...

Black and White

My friend sees everything in black and white. Don't get me wrong I love her to bits but it is annoying trying to explain to her how not everything is a simple as it first appears. Her sense of what is right and what is wrong is set in stone and provides no room for flexibility. It's great that she has morals and dignity. However it often means she is quick to judge without the whole story. Her perception of life is very narrow. Especially when it comes to the ordeal of being a teenager. I know that this is just her personality. So I often just let it slide, I know she is a good person and has a good heart. All I'm trying to say is not to judge without the full story. I know how much that can hurt. Also don't take what people say/write in the wrong context, it often results in anger, pain and resentment. Keep your eyes open and don't just look at the full picture, live in it.
Just my thoughts for today...

Questions?

Yesterday I didn't have my phone on me for practically the whole day. Shock horror :p The friend I have mentioned previously had txted me earlier saying along the lines of "You have no idea how tempted I am to kill myself to right now." Keep in mind this was hours before.  I txted back instantly. She then asked what I would do if she had actually done it? Just out of interest. What would I have done? I know for a fact that the guilt would overwhelm me entirely. I still blame myself for my Dad's severe episode when I was 10 even though all logic tells me I shouldn't. I should of spoken out earlier.

If she had actually done it I'm not sure I could handle it and I believe I can handle a lot. Maybe that is arrogant but it's better, easier and more comforting than believing I can't. I don't believe that I will commit suicide or anything as extreme but I don't think I will ever be the person I am now. I would be damaged indefinitely. I know she does read this blog, so don't take this post in the wrong context. I'm just trying to comprehend my thoughts and emotions.

No clearer unfortunately.

Relief

I have good news dear readers. My Gran did not have a stroke. She has a horrible infection that has almost the exact same symptoms as a stroke. Although once on a massive dose of antibiotics she will be better. Not fine just better.

The relief was incredible. It is often underestimated as an emotion. The feeling completely overwhelms you, and you soon realize that you had been holding your breath the entire time. Relief is a joyous emotion and I believe should be celebrated more often.

So apart from that dear readers my life over the past few days has been pretty uneventful, not that I'm complaining it is a nice respite for once. All I can say is thank god it is the weekend.

No News Is NOT Good News

This morning the phone rang at 6:30 and ignorantly I didn't think much of it apart from "who the fuck calls at this time?" It turned out to be my grandad calling to say my grandma was on the way to hospital. With a suspected stroke. Another one.

The sad thing that I've been through this all before but for some unknown reason I was affected way more than last time. I know I am strong. Well enough anyway. Yet through out the day I couldn't help my thoughts from straying, no matter how hard I tried to not let them. In class today I was close to crying and the sad thing is not because I was afraid that she may not make it so to speak but because I was afraid of going back to square one. I am tired of having to deal with ANYTHING.
Not knowing what was going on is agonising. Some say ignorance is bliss. It most definitely is not when you only know a part of what is going. The waiting...
It feels like there is always another awful event. No blissful calm, always another crisis, always another tear. No respite.

Any news even bad news is better than the temporary nothing.

Family And Friends

Sorry dear readers I've neglected you for 3 days. Busy old me.
I was at a friends birthday sleepover. Nothing to full on, just hanging out with a few mates is all.

Today I discovered how very loving family's are. NOT. I was standing in the rain for around 20 minutes in my summer uniform waiting
for my father to pick me up, I was absolutely freezing. He drove through the largest puddle possible, soaking me from head to toe. I've only just stopped shivering, keeping in mind this was nearly two hours ago. Maybe I could of chosen a 'smarter' place to stand, but it was the only place with a small amount of shelter. And to top it off my siblings could not stop laughing. So that is my daily fail
I'm pretty sure there is something about me and Mondays.

On the bright side I've realised how great friends can be. I was talking to my friend Emma the other night. We have been besties all through primary but she now goes to different high school than me. We don't see each other to often now and I was concerned that we may be drifting apart. Well the other night I poured my heart out to her. Anything and everything. "Anytime you need someone to offload to I'm here" She said. It meant so much to me. More than she could of imagined. So thank you Emma. Thanks for being my wall. I'll try not to be too soppy.

Things are a whole lot easier when you have someone to share it with. Just knowing that someone cares when you are upset. Just knowing that they will do their most to be there for you. That's all you can ask.

Last night I completely broke down. Why? Because sometimes finding out you are completely right is awful. Heartbreakingly so.
I'm running out of options. And when the tank is empty, what do I do then? There is no one to call, no one to help, no one to pick me up again. I shouldn't have to deal with 'this' but dealing with the unfair seems to stalk me. But yet again what right do I have to complain? From the outside, peering through the doorway it appears I've been dealt a good hand. And I suppose I have. I am lucky and I know that. But, as there is always a but, as there is always a catch. I've been dealt a card of useless, and being aware of that is torture. All I can earn is a glimpse here and there of the true story. I am stuck behind a wall. I am unable to call out. And you don't even know I'm standing here. I may as well be a ghost. Nothing I say, nothing I do will change anything.
Being concerned is easy. The guilt, the helplessness is difficult to even understand never mind coping with. So my question for the day dear readers. What should I do? Four simple words. Thirteen letters. I'm happy to be a sheep for once if it improves anything.

Dreams

Tears. Ever really considered them. Why are we the only species on the planet with the ability to cry? When we experience hurt, jealousy, anger, desperation, loss, grief and sometimes even joy.
This ability has given me something, my dream. Let me explain, my Dad has bi polar disorder, my Grandma has emotional confusion due to a stroke a year ago, and to top it off close friend has recently been diagnosed with depression. I've been exposed to the torment of mental health and the stigma that surrounds it. Especially the unspoken stigma. And it has influenced me greatly. And so understanding is what I strive for.
I WISH TO HELP.
What I've seen and heard is heartbreaking. I would do anything to just fix it. What is fixing it though? I was txting the friend I mentioned above. She was crying and she couldn't figure out why. And me as useless as always had to attempt help. To remind her how amazing she is, how much she means to me, and how she isn't worthless in the least. The opposite in fact. But the awful thing is I can not be sure she truly believes me, and even if she does it never lasts. So friend I shall now directly address you. Please believe me, I will never lie to you. Every message I have ever sent, every note I have scribbled, every word I have spoken to try to make you feel worthy only contains the truth. Please remember this. Please don't let this depression define you, just let it be part of who you are. Accept it with open arms as it is one of many qualities that makes you perfectly imperfect.
Thanks to you I've discovered what I wish to do, who I wish to be, and how I wish to live. Maybe I can live up to the meaning of my name 'Helper/defender of mankind'. This is my dream, to make mankind feel better. Maybe if I can make everyone else smile with their eyes, I can do so also. Maybe I will finally be of use. My intentions maybe entirely selfish but if I can't be selfish here, where can I be?

Explaining Me To Myself

This is what I intend to use this blog for. I thought I would make this blog before life got overly complicated, a way of comprehending the unexpected one post at a time. Hopefully it will allow me to wallow in my own selfishness without feeling guilty.

So where shall I start? Not that I have millions of problems that are all vying for attention. Just where should I begin? Sometimes I feel so very insignificant, not one in a billion. Just one OF a billion. But who am I to complain? Aren't we all?
But that's not what I want right now. At this very moment I want to smile. Not just a movement of the jaw but a smile that reaches and embraces my entire being. I've given up on being happy, no I'm not depressed. I've only realised that the emotion 'happy' is far too simple to describe who I am. Maybe it's a sad thought but it's the truth. So readers (although I doubt there are any of you) I am just wondering if that is an unfair thing to ask? Be truly honest, am I being obnoxious?

I shall endevour to explain. That is what all of this is for.