To Vent

I will give you a heads up. I am in a very strange mood at this post will probably reflect that.
So where should I start?

Dear friend
I am a rather think skinned individual, I have learnt to ignore others and their vile comments. However, when a friend yells in your face that you are a retard over a mere $2, do you really think I am going to forget that? That it didn't hurt? That I am not going to take it to heart? I of all people realise that you may of not meant it. That you may not of wanted to hurt me. I have made the same mistake, many times. I just thought that you should know. Believe it or not I am incredibly sensitive, and it makes me think that that is how little you value my feelings. Friend, don't think I hate you, I love you I just loathe what you did. I'm not one of those girls who talks about people behind their backs, rather tackle things head on. So this is what I'm trying to do.

Today I also realised I am always in the shadows, and in the unlikely chance I am not it is always for the wrong reason. I do not like attention nor do I crave it but that does not mean I do not want recognition. Today we had to nominate who we thought was the most supportive in our class, another friend of mine was having trouble thinking of anyone. Admittedly selfishly that hurt. I kept thinking of all those nights I stayed up txting her trying to help combat her depression. All those worried thoughts about her well being. All those tears. But no, I'm just expected to do that. Just saying this is big headed and awful of me. But I am only human, one of those truly vile creatures. I can't believe I just typed that. Me, forever positive, forever hopeful me.

I shock even myself.


Please keep in mind this is me at my worse.

To Smile

I haven't been able to stop smiling. It is silly to think that anyone let alone any guy should have this affect on me. Who am I to complain? However from being single for so long I realize you do not wish to hear about this. Jealousy is an awful emotion. What I'm really trying to say is have hope. Do your absolute best to not let your doubts get better of you. Listen to me spiel on. Pathetic really.

Yesterday my friends and I walked in on I would say if she was to let me a good friend of mine crying. She told me how she feels so excluded in terms of how she acts and feels around us. Inferior as she doesn't feel "teenagery". I would never describe myself as a confident person, I've just slowly learnt how to not exactly not care what others think but to not let their opinions influence how I feel about myself. Of course there are exceptions, as there is in everything but it is probably the most useful and hardest lesson I have ever learnt. I am incredibly insecure so believe me when I say it can be done. All you need is determination, hope and a friend to continue to help you in any possible way. So dear friend if you give me the permission to be that person, I would gladly. Remember I will be there, and this goes to anyone of my friends also.
That is all.

Friends

I have the most amazing friends, I really do love you guys. You always have my best interests at heart. I wouldn't know what to do with out you. I think I could call anyone of you at four in the morning and you would stay up to talk. (I promise I wouldn't unless it was a real emergency). So I dedicate this post to you. You really deserve this gratitude. Thank you for sticking by me when I have my bitchy moments, no matter how much you wish to slap me. Thank you for dealing with my bluntness, and for realizing in most cases I do mean well. Thank you for not letting me push you away, I often feel as if I don't deserve you guys.

I do not believe it is possible to place into words how loved I feel by you guys. You should know how much you mean to me.

That is all.


And yet again so much more.




:)

I Relate...

I found this poem today. I'm sure the majority of the readers know the line "Laugh; and the world laughs with you, Weep; and you weep alone." This poem is by the same poet. I recommend looking her up. It will speak to a deep part of your soul, at least it did to mine.

What shall we do?
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Here now forevermore our lives must part.
        My path leads there, and yours another way.
What shall we do with this fond love, dear heart?
        It grows a heavier burden day by day.

Hide it? In all earth's caverns, void and vast,
        There is not room enough to hide it, dear;
Not even the mighty storehouse of the past
        Could cover it from our own eyes, I fear.

Drown it? Why, were the contents of each ocean
        Merged into one great sea, too shallow then
Would be its waters to sink this emotion
        So deep it could not rise to life again.

Burn it? In all the furnace flames below,
        It would not in a thousand years expire.
Nay! it would thrive, exult, expand, and grow,
        For from its very birth it fed on fire.

Starve it? Yes, yes, that is the only way.
        Give it no food, of glance, or word, or sigh;
No memories, even, of any bygone day;
        No crumbs of vain regrets—so let it die.

Expectations

Expectation is placed upon me. The expectation to always make the right decision. The expectation to always be there for those who mean most to me. The expectation to always do well in academics. The expectation to be me. How can you be you if you don't even truly know who you are? I have so many personalities, around different people, in different situations. It frustrates and confuses my entire being. I am the bitch, I am the saint. I am dirty, I am innocent. I am the domestic goddess, I am the rugby mad fan. I am outgoing, I am incredibly shy. I am the unfeeling robot, I am the girl who cries. I am brutally honest, I am a liar.
I am made up of contradictions.
Please someone tell me who I am.




(And don't just say my name.)
    

To Write Or Not To Write

That is not the question. The question is what should I write.

"She attempts to relax on her sister's bed, and feels each individual drop of water hit the glass pane. The window is cold on her forehead, and order is disintegrated inside her confused mind. Thoughts swirl and range from deathly rational to dream worthy insanity. A complex collection of feelings, if only the rain could wash her emotions away like it does the dust. Yet with such sorrow and self-pity, a secret smile still manages to slip from her cheeks, and so her heart sinks still deeper. Sigh, her breath temporarily sand blasts the glass, her view slowly sharpens. If only her heart would."

Me. For today.

It's been a while

I have Internet, I have Internet, I have Internet, man I am so happy. (I bet you sang that :p). Well the past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I've realized how truly tortuous it is to fallen for someone. Look just admitted it. Me, the unfeeling bitch has fallen, hard! I can't say who, not won't, can't. I apologize for failing to satisfy anyone's curiosity but it's a decision I must make. Fuzz I completely relate to how you are feeling.

Today Katie, George and I had a vicar of dibley Marathon. George was flirting hard out with me. It was very awkward as George and I have been mates for years but I possess no feelings for him whatsoever. I do hope he moves on.

I would like to end this post with a quote of my own design.

"How can your heart fly to the heavens yet sink to the depths on only the basis of a few meaningless words?"

I live in hope that my heart survives another day.