Revisiting

I was looking back over my previous posts. My first thought, when did I become so bloody depressing? I suppose the reason I created this blog for everything I feel but it's entirely negative. It is scaring me. I am an optimist, I hold on to hope way past logic. But this means that I get let down so much more. My friend Laura asks some important questions about the ability to be happy. Although they remain unanswered. If I could answer them I would. Maybe time will tell...

Black and White

My friend sees everything in black and white. Don't get me wrong I love her to bits but it is annoying trying to explain to her how not everything is a simple as it first appears. Her sense of what is right and what is wrong is set in stone and provides no room for flexibility. It's great that she has morals and dignity. However it often means she is quick to judge without the whole story. Her perception of life is very narrow. Especially when it comes to the ordeal of being a teenager. I know that this is just her personality. So I often just let it slide, I know she is a good person and has a good heart. All I'm trying to say is not to judge without the full story. I know how much that can hurt. Also don't take what people say/write in the wrong context, it often results in anger, pain and resentment. Keep your eyes open and don't just look at the full picture, live in it.
Just my thoughts for today...

Questions?

Yesterday I didn't have my phone on me for practically the whole day. Shock horror :p The friend I have mentioned previously had txted me earlier saying along the lines of "You have no idea how tempted I am to kill myself to right now." Keep in mind this was hours before.  I txted back instantly. She then asked what I would do if she had actually done it? Just out of interest. What would I have done? I know for a fact that the guilt would overwhelm me entirely. I still blame myself for my Dad's severe episode when I was 10 even though all logic tells me I shouldn't. I should of spoken out earlier.

If she had actually done it I'm not sure I could handle it and I believe I can handle a lot. Maybe that is arrogant but it's better, easier and more comforting than believing I can't. I don't believe that I will commit suicide or anything as extreme but I don't think I will ever be the person I am now. I would be damaged indefinitely. I know she does read this blog, so don't take this post in the wrong context. I'm just trying to comprehend my thoughts and emotions.

No clearer unfortunately.

Relief

I have good news dear readers. My Gran did not have a stroke. She has a horrible infection that has almost the exact same symptoms as a stroke. Although once on a massive dose of antibiotics she will be better. Not fine just better.

The relief was incredible. It is often underestimated as an emotion. The feeling completely overwhelms you, and you soon realize that you had been holding your breath the entire time. Relief is a joyous emotion and I believe should be celebrated more often.

So apart from that dear readers my life over the past few days has been pretty uneventful, not that I'm complaining it is a nice respite for once. All I can say is thank god it is the weekend.

No News Is NOT Good News

This morning the phone rang at 6:30 and ignorantly I didn't think much of it apart from "who the fuck calls at this time?" It turned out to be my grandad calling to say my grandma was on the way to hospital. With a suspected stroke. Another one.

The sad thing that I've been through this all before but for some unknown reason I was affected way more than last time. I know I am strong. Well enough anyway. Yet through out the day I couldn't help my thoughts from straying, no matter how hard I tried to not let them. In class today I was close to crying and the sad thing is not because I was afraid that she may not make it so to speak but because I was afraid of going back to square one. I am tired of having to deal with ANYTHING.
Not knowing what was going on is agonising. Some say ignorance is bliss. It most definitely is not when you only know a part of what is going. The waiting...
It feels like there is always another awful event. No blissful calm, always another crisis, always another tear. No respite.

Any news even bad news is better than the temporary nothing.

Family And Friends

Sorry dear readers I've neglected you for 3 days. Busy old me.
I was at a friends birthday sleepover. Nothing to full on, just hanging out with a few mates is all.

Today I discovered how very loving family's are. NOT. I was standing in the rain for around 20 minutes in my summer uniform waiting
for my father to pick me up, I was absolutely freezing. He drove through the largest puddle possible, soaking me from head to toe. I've only just stopped shivering, keeping in mind this was nearly two hours ago. Maybe I could of chosen a 'smarter' place to stand, but it was the only place with a small amount of shelter. And to top it off my siblings could not stop laughing. So that is my daily fail
I'm pretty sure there is something about me and Mondays.

On the bright side I've realised how great friends can be. I was talking to my friend Emma the other night. We have been besties all through primary but she now goes to different high school than me. We don't see each other to often now and I was concerned that we may be drifting apart. Well the other night I poured my heart out to her. Anything and everything. "Anytime you need someone to offload to I'm here" She said. It meant so much to me. More than she could of imagined. So thank you Emma. Thanks for being my wall. I'll try not to be too soppy.

Things are a whole lot easier when you have someone to share it with. Just knowing that someone cares when you are upset. Just knowing that they will do their most to be there for you. That's all you can ask.

Last night I completely broke down. Why? Because sometimes finding out you are completely right is awful. Heartbreakingly so.
I'm running out of options. And when the tank is empty, what do I do then? There is no one to call, no one to help, no one to pick me up again. I shouldn't have to deal with 'this' but dealing with the unfair seems to stalk me. But yet again what right do I have to complain? From the outside, peering through the doorway it appears I've been dealt a good hand. And I suppose I have. I am lucky and I know that. But, as there is always a but, as there is always a catch. I've been dealt a card of useless, and being aware of that is torture. All I can earn is a glimpse here and there of the true story. I am stuck behind a wall. I am unable to call out. And you don't even know I'm standing here. I may as well be a ghost. Nothing I say, nothing I do will change anything.
Being concerned is easy. The guilt, the helplessness is difficult to even understand never mind coping with. So my question for the day dear readers. What should I do? Four simple words. Thirteen letters. I'm happy to be a sheep for once if it improves anything.

Dreams

Tears. Ever really considered them. Why are we the only species on the planet with the ability to cry? When we experience hurt, jealousy, anger, desperation, loss, grief and sometimes even joy.
This ability has given me something, my dream. Let me explain, my Dad has bi polar disorder, my Grandma has emotional confusion due to a stroke a year ago, and to top it off close friend has recently been diagnosed with depression. I've been exposed to the torment of mental health and the stigma that surrounds it. Especially the unspoken stigma. And it has influenced me greatly. And so understanding is what I strive for.
I WISH TO HELP.
What I've seen and heard is heartbreaking. I would do anything to just fix it. What is fixing it though? I was txting the friend I mentioned above. She was crying and she couldn't figure out why. And me as useless as always had to attempt help. To remind her how amazing she is, how much she means to me, and how she isn't worthless in the least. The opposite in fact. But the awful thing is I can not be sure she truly believes me, and even if she does it never lasts. So friend I shall now directly address you. Please believe me, I will never lie to you. Every message I have ever sent, every note I have scribbled, every word I have spoken to try to make you feel worthy only contains the truth. Please remember this. Please don't let this depression define you, just let it be part of who you are. Accept it with open arms as it is one of many qualities that makes you perfectly imperfect.
Thanks to you I've discovered what I wish to do, who I wish to be, and how I wish to live. Maybe I can live up to the meaning of my name 'Helper/defender of mankind'. This is my dream, to make mankind feel better. Maybe if I can make everyone else smile with their eyes, I can do so also. Maybe I will finally be of use. My intentions maybe entirely selfish but if I can't be selfish here, where can I be?

Explaining Me To Myself

This is what I intend to use this blog for. I thought I would make this blog before life got overly complicated, a way of comprehending the unexpected one post at a time. Hopefully it will allow me to wallow in my own selfishness without feeling guilty.

So where shall I start? Not that I have millions of problems that are all vying for attention. Just where should I begin? Sometimes I feel so very insignificant, not one in a billion. Just one OF a billion. But who am I to complain? Aren't we all?
But that's not what I want right now. At this very moment I want to smile. Not just a movement of the jaw but a smile that reaches and embraces my entire being. I've given up on being happy, no I'm not depressed. I've only realised that the emotion 'happy' is far too simple to describe who I am. Maybe it's a sad thought but it's the truth. So readers (although I doubt there are any of you) I am just wondering if that is an unfair thing to ask? Be truly honest, am I being obnoxious?

I shall endevour to explain. That is what all of this is for.